Moment of clarity
Disclaimer: I wrote this in April, and originally posted it at http://www.mistyobrien.com. The status of that website is up in the air at present, and I want the following to exist here.
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Moment of Clarity
April 27, 2007
location: park bench at Munsinger Park, St. Cloud, MN
I received a survey letter from the hospital yesterday. The cover letter asked me to rate the level of care I received when I was there on April 15th.
Considering I was there because I was suicidal, I find the entire idea very amusing. What am I supposed to say?
1. This visit inspired me to feel:
a. more suicidal
b. less suicidal
c. about the same
2. Next time I feel suicidal, I will:
a. not tell anyone
b. announce it on my journal, but turn off comments
c. be selective who I tell
3. When feeling depressed, I will do one of the following:
a. drink alcohol
b. look for expired medications
c. paint
4. When I feel suicidal, I will try to do the following:
a. announce it during the day so people aren’t awake in the middle of the night
b. think of things that make me happy
c. act out
d. tell everyone how horrible I am
5. When discussing past suicide attempts, I will:
a. not use humor
b. not be morbid
c. not be candid
6. To help prevent suicidal feelings in the future, I will:
a. write down my feelings or otherwise record them
b. keep them bottled up inside
c. yell, scream and throw things
Well, that sounds more like a quiz than a survey. Maybe it should be more like this:
1. Were the officers who responded:
a. courteous
b. rude
c. indifferent
2. Did they try to keep you calm?
a. yes
b. no
c. I was too spaced out to remember
3. Were the nurses
a. helpful
b. bitchy
c. annoying
4. Was the doctor
a. compassionate
b. bored
c. apathetic
5. Do you understand why your friend called the cops?
a. yes
b. no
c. I guess
6. Are you still mad at your friend(s)?
a. yes
b. no
c. I understand why they did it, but I won’t ever talk to them again
7. Do you think it was a good idea to refuse to see your husband and talk to the contributing factor of your depression instead?
a. yes
b. no
c. there was no contributing factor. I just trusted that person more at the time than I did my husband
8. On a scale of one to ten, please rate your experience at our facility:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Why did you choose that number?
a. I’m being nice
b. that’s how I feel
c. you guys suck at mental health care
*******
I can understand wanting to improve patient care, but do you really want the opinions of someone who didn’t want to be there in the first place? Seriously, how do you take those opinions and come to any valid conclusions?
Perhaps I should qualify all of the above. It’s hard to say if this will come back to bite me someday, but my focus right now is to get this stuff out. To open the closet of skeletons and make them less scary.
So, let me start by saying that I’ve attempted suicide three times. The time that precipitated the survey above wasn’t an attempt. I never got past the alcohol. Anyway, three time: 10/9/92, 11/17/97 and 11/8/99. All with pills; the last with alcohol as well. All three times, I only made myself sick.
I remember being depressed, but never really planned any of them out. Even the last one, the non-attempt. Bought the alcohol on a whim. Was feeling horrid because my marriage was in trouble and I had a huge colossal crush on someone else who said all the right things and even meant them.
At the time, all the horrible things I had done had come back to me and I felt like the person I had been then who was spiraling out of control. I knew I wasn’t far from really screwing things up in my life. I was ready to give up, but wanted someone to give a damn. That’s probably why I reached out. That dear friend of mine convinced me that I was important and needed.
Don’t mistake my humor, cynicism and sarcasm above and conclude that I don’t take this seriously. I am very serious about this. I can see the other side of the coin and know why my friends did what they did. I know I need to do things to help improve my life and health. I know I need to learn how I work so I can recognize the signs I was giving out. I know I need to build a support system. I know I need to channel my energy into more positive, creative activities. Instead of moping and abusing myself, I need to step up and focus on the good parts of my life. I need to find out who I am and put that person out into the world and make the difference I was meant to make.
My cynicism and wit are there for me to cope with the wtf moments in life. And believe me, there are many of those moments. I need to stop hiding my personality and trying to fix myself so that I fit in a neat little box. I need to live up to my own expectations instead of beating myself up for not living up to other’s standards. I need to care for and nourish my soul first if I am ever going to be a light for anyone else. I need to enjoy my life more instead of lamenting on the things I can’t change.
I need to be courageous everyday. I need to be proud of my accomplishments, even if it’s just remembering to check my blood or brush my teeth. I need to stop dwelling on my mistakes and time I set myself up to be abused. I need to let go of the anger I feel towards those people who have abused me and made me feel small. I need to accept my dad for who he is and realize that he only taught me what he had been taught himself.
I need to make myself happy. I can’t rely on anyone, even my husband, to do that for me. I need to trust myself and my instincts. I need to listen to my gut feelings. I also need to trust people to keep their promises, but not be afraid to call out those who break promises. I need to hold myself accountable for promises I make but fail to keep. I need to accept the love people can give me and not demand more than they have. I can’t expect anyone to fix my issues, but at the same time, I need to let people help me if they are willing and able to do so. I need to surround myself with people who have taken the hard roads and emerged stronger. I need to learn from them. I need to be open to the lessons that present themselves daily. I need to remember that it is no one’s obligation to entertain me. I need to live boldly and out loud. I need to make my mark on this world and not regret anything, including my mistakes. Especially my mistakes.
I need to enjoy my successes and encourage and support those important to me and celebrate their successes too. I need to realize daily that while I can make it through this world alone, it is much more fun and fulfilling to share things with others.
I need to belt out my voice when I sing. I need to not be embarrassed to make a fool of myself to get what I want, need, and deserve. I need to ask for what I need if I”m not getting it. I need to speak up and care about myself. I need to stand up for myself, my rights as a person, and my dignity.
I need to share the world as I see it with others. I need to smile at strangers more often. I need to reach out to help someone in need. I need to do whatever it takes to feel my best everyday. I need to do whatever it takes to keep my commitments and responsibilities. I need to remember to take time for me. I need to schedule down time. I need to remember to sleep. I need to remember to not make life-altering decisions when I’m exhausted. I need to make sure that I’m being heard. I need to make sure I don’t allow anyone to undermine me and determine my value to people. I need to remember to not sling mud during disagreements. I need to get more fresh air and sunlight.
I need to remember that challenges and obstacles are there to make me stronger, not to destroy my spirit. If something seems too daunting, I need to find a way to break it into smaller pieces or have the courage to ask for help. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness! I need to remember that the best way to find out the truth is to go to the source. I need to remember to move around and stretch lest I become stagnant and atrophied. I can’t expect people to read my mind. I can’t expect things to change if I don’t work for it myself or ask for changes. I can’t expect people to bend to my will. I have to remember that I need to hear “no” sometimes. I can’t always live by my rules. I can’t continue to do the same things and expect different conclusions. I can’t expect everything on a silver platter. Conversely, I should demand respect from people and give them the same respect. I should remember that we’re all human and therefore not perfect. We all have quirks and flaws. I need to remember that if someone else is having a bad day, it is not always because of me. I need to remember that when I’m having a bad day to not take it out on other people. I shouldn’t direct my anger at anyone or anything save the source of the anger. I should think and listen first and then speak. If I need to walk away, I need to have the courage to do so before resolving things later. I need to be less impulsive and more proactive. I need to be more mindful of other people’s feelings, but always remembering that what everyone else thinks and feels isn’t always right for me. I need to remember that it’s okay to disagree with someone and say no if I really don’t want to do something, and I’m if it’s not my responsibility.
I need to find something I like about myself every day. I need to consciously make changes in my life to make myself a better person emotionally, spiritually, physically. I need to cherish the time I spend with people and treasure the special experiences. I need to let go of things that harm me. I need to remember that I don’t always know what’s best for me and that it’s probably a good idea to get input from trusted people. I need to remember that while I can make major decisions alone, I should really bounce anything life-altering off of at least one or two other people and consider other possibilities.
Perhaps most importantly, I need to remember to stop hiding and live my life.
