life: expressed

First and foremost, retail is not the life I am meant to lead. Sure, customer service is important, and my job is necessary in its own way. However, I am not the person to be holding down that job. It is slowly becoming clear to me how much I slacked off in the past and how that got me where I am right now: a dead-end cashiering job in a thrift store. I had quit, but went back cause the bills have to be paid somehow. I needs my internet fix.

Second, ending my marriage was probably the strongest thing I have ever done. People can talk their issues and possible solutions to death, and never get anywhere. Am I sorry my marriage is over? Yes, I am. My ex is a decent guy, and any woman would be lucky to have him. Did we do the right thing divorcing? Probably not, but in retrospect, there really was no other way for us. We both needed to be jolted. [Though, as an aside, my actions following the actual decision to divorce are still under review for being Really F-ed Up.]

Where does the strength come in? With my job, I took the risk that I wouldn’t have one when I returned from Florida. I did get it back, but then quit when I realized that the stress of the job, coupled with the stress of divorcing (while subsequently kicking out the “rebound guy”) was going to equal a huge meltdown from which I might not have recovered. When I did quit, I took the chance that I would be unemployed for a while. And I was, for a month. My job was offered back to me, because me working there fills a need for both parties: they needed an experienced cashier, and I needed a job.

With my marriage, I took the risk that my ex would fight me tooth and nail to save the relationship. I took a risk when I stepped on a bus to leave Minnesota that I would end up in a worse place (emotionally and physically) than the one I was leaving.

In some ways, I was very brave going through both scenarios. Other people would view it as Really F-ed Up, and a handful of those people who shake their heads and think, once again, that I have no idea what I’m doing in life. I can see their point, and some days I even agree with them. On the upside, I showed myself that I can do something seemingly unexpected and come out on the otherside with my life, if not my sanity.

Sure, I gave up a lot: a life partner, a lover, a best friend. In more trivial respects, I gave up a car, more money to pay the bills, and someone who would make me dinner to make sure I remembered to eat.

But, what did I gain: confidence in myself that I CAN make a decision and follow through with the consequences. I don’t, for even a split second, think anyone should hop a bus to a new place to meet a stranger completely on a whim. I also highly suggest that if you did do that, don’t bring the stranger you meet on the bus home with you. Not the wisest of decisions, I assure you.

Since my birthday post below, I’ve done a few things I’m not proud of. However, I would not trade those experiences for anything, because it would mean giving up what I do have right now. And that, gentle reader, is the self-realization that I am, in the words of Big & Rich, “sweet and smart and stronger than 100 proof.”